Hi folks, I am Nana Deluv (don’t get it twisted; this is my real name). I am here to join minds together to find answers to questions on a very pertinent issue (of relationship) while elaborating on it here.
Insight of Feelings
People tend to misunderstand the feelings of love as infatuation, obsession, lust, affection or compassion. Infatuation is the state of being carried away completely by unreasoning passion. It is worth-noting that a crush is infatuation only when a person is physically attracted to the other. It usually lasts from one to six months but can lasts as long as two years or as short as two days. The basic mistakes in relationship are usually made during this period. Lust is that initial desire to be with the person while love is the desire to stay. If you think you are in love, ask whether what you are giving the person is conditional or reciprocal. If it is, then you are likely giving to the other person in order to selfishly turn them closer to you and this stems from infatuation. If you are giving and sacrificing for another and desire happiness from their happiness without expecting returns outside their happiness, then this is more akin to actual love. I guess you wondering why all these insights.
The truth is rarely pure and never simple to swallow. Kofi Adjorlolo and Victoria Lebene Mekpah‘s relationship started as a rumor, but after exhausting several options, one could classify it as love, lust, fame, compassion, wealth and more. This came to light, when veteran Ghanaian actor Kofi Adjorlolo (in his late 60s), told Graphic Showbiz in July 2016 he is set to marry actress Victoria Lebene Mekpah popularly known as ‘That Ghanaian Diva’, (in her late 20s), in December 2016. Now granted, anytime somebody finds true love, you would be a cynical dick not to root for them. But something about this union seems weird and not because they’re getting married after dating for over two years. This is not a piece to rebuke them but to ascertain the basis of their relationship: love, wealth or fame.
I’ve known a lot of stars with such age differences but they were able to get along well and some are still married to each other. Some of them include Jeff Goldwin and Emilie Livingston (30 years difference), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (16 years difference), Alec Baldwin and Hitaria Thomas (26 years difference), Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart (22 years difference), Eddie Murphy and Paige Butcher (19 years difference) etc.
Amazingly, in the Monday, August 11, 2014 edition of the Graphic Showbiz, Kofi told the newspaper that “after two failed marriages, I don’t see myself becoming a husband ever again.” However, he added that “single and nothing will make him go back to tie another knot. Asked if he would marry, should he find his soul mate who is willing to sacrifice everything for him. Kofi said “No woman can convince me to marry again after what I went through because it will not be worth it,” he said in an August 14, 2014 post of the same newspaper.
From his own mouth, could he have finally found love, just security reasons or what? There are so many questions to be asked and answers to be given. Since their recent romantic bond which has led major discussions on several platforms, all Victoria has been saying is “her undying love, respect and support for her man.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
The Bizarre Age Gap
Kofi and Victoria has an age gap of 40 years. Considering this, no Marriage Counselor or Psychiatrist would even give the go ahead for such a relationship. Although they could be in love, he is old enough to be Victoria’s father. When a woman falls for a guy 20+ years her senior, it’s difficult to wrap our collective heads around it. However, Kofi and Victoria are especially confounding. Not for the sneaky reasons that people bring up on social media, but for the exact opposite. This isn’t the usual “young woman marries rich old dude for money” scenario.
Even without his wealth and fame, Kofi’s decision to marry a young lady isn’t all that uncommon of him. According to PEW Research, when men remarry, they usually go for someone younger; about 20% of men who remarry, opts for a wife who is at least 10 years younger. But what about Kofi? That’s the real puzzler here!
To some extent, it makes sense for a younger woman to feel more comfortable with an old/older man. Men and women have very different mate values that makes them attractive to potential suitors. Back in the olden days, your ‘mate value’ might have been your ability to hunt a saber tooth tiger or having a womb that wouldn’t quit. Today, our mate value has a slightly different criteria. For men, it comes from money, status and power and for women it comes from youth and appearance. Kofi has money, power and status, and Victoria boasts of youthful exuberance and beauty. So in the mating market, they are essentially trading their sources of mate value for each other. That may be true on some fundamental level, but still feels too simplistic.There must be more to it than ‘’she’s young and hot, and he’s old and rich’’. The real world has made shades of complexity than that, right?
Another theory is that the two are years apart, they are not worlds apart. This love story might have a much interesting turn over or ending we all waiting to be embarrassed. But love is not just about finding your doppelganger. Between the two of them, Kofi is likely to have hundreds of interesting stories and experience to keep the relationship exciting or annoying for Victoria. Attraction is not just a desire for them, it’s a reflection on how we see (or want to see) them.
In other words, we pick our romantic partners because they represent who we’d like to be. There’s something about Kofi that represents his idealized version. And same is applies to Victoria: there’s something about Victoria that reflects who she wants to become, or who she believes she already is. Of course, it’s also possible that they’re together for reasons none of us could begin to understand; uncertainty makes us uncomfortable.
When couples don’t match, that violates our norms and expectations. But not every marriage is one-size-fits-all. Marriage counselors said such marriages doesn’t last depending on motive of the individual and foundation of it because the death of the older one nullifies such marriage and the young would now go and marry young ones they love with the money or property owned by the late husband. All the essence is for money, status and security. If marriage was to be based on money and sex, where is companionship?
I think we’ve all seen (either in person or news/media) Kofi who’s well-to-do and famous with the much younger, beautiful wife-to-be. It’s clear what she sees in him and vice versa. I have to think that this sort of marriage exists all across the spectrum, not just the ultra-wealthy. One example; the doctor who’s so and on his second marriage might not find a super model, but he can sure find a young attractive new wife.
Should women who are young attractive cash in on their good looks and seek to many someone who’s wealthy and famous? It will likely mean that they either marry someone who’s much older than they are or someone who is wealthy, famous etc. of some sort. Is attractiveness an asset that can be monetized? Is ‘love’ by itself over-rated? What factor should economic stability play in choosing mate?
As a woman, I would answer this by quoting Marilyn Monroe, “Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?” We’ll all that Marilyn Monroe is trying to say is when you’re a woman, attractiveness helps. When you’re a man, money helps. However, relying too much on either (and especially in exclusion to ephemeral traits) is a recipe for failure. Young women who focus too much on their looks may neglect other essential attributes; education, career goals and financial health, social life, etc. men who use money to attract mates are likely to attract women who are not very well-rounded in the partner qualification department.
Furthermore, they are likely to be lacking themselves. For example, they may be weak in interpersonal communications. They may have many friends, but lack in meaningful relationships. And a man who puts all his energies in making money is also at risk for becoming an inattentive partner and parent, because he’s prioritizing money (which produces limited happiness) over relationships (which has been proven so the #1 factor in overall lifetime happiness).
Bottom line, young ladies, take care of your bodies, and know how to make your own money and be good with money. Then seek out a man who is also good with his money regardless of how much he makes (and ideally, he’ll also take care of his body too!). Being rich isn’t so much about what/how much you have, but what you choose to do with it. But most don’t want to know deeply risks of negativity in dating old men. This is not to discourage anyone but point out the truth to the young males and females to patiently decide on their choices in mates not for any reason of profit.
For now, it can be all exciting, amazing and fun but what about the future? Wish mostly who already are in such relationships with 20+ of their age could truly come out and share how it feels in there and what they at times think of their partners? Do they regret or wish they had married a younger man? Why in the first place selected the old man? This is not reality of 99% of young ladies. The only young women that marrying rich old men applies to is the very 1% who are literally supermodels or beautifully stunningly facing financial instability.
Thank you for reading this. In my next piece, under this same topic, I will discuss “Advantages and Disadvantage”, “The Influence of the Society Towards Such Relationships, Encourage or Discourage?”, “Family Involvement, for their benefits or persons Interest (Happiness, Future, Security or Fame?”, “How Society See Such Couples?”